Healthy Relationships

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

§ Abuse– Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behaviour. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."

§ Guilt– After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what has been done. There more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for their abusive behaviour.

§ "Normal" behaviour– Your abuser does everything they can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. They may act as if nothing has happened, or they may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time.

§ Fantasy and planning– Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. They spend a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how they'll make you pay. Then they make plans for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

§ Set-up– Your abuser sets you up and puts their plan in motion, creating a situation where they can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. They may make you believe that you are the only person who can help them, that things will be different this time, and that they truly love you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:

§ Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.

§ Go along with everything their partner says and does.

§ Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.

§ Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.

§ Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:

§ Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”

§ Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.

§ Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

§ Be restricted from seeing family and friends.

§ Rarely go out in public without their partner.

§ Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:

§ Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.

§ Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).

§ Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

§ Signs of sudden drinking, smoking or drugs use

§ Negative self talk (e.g. oh, you wouldn’t want me to spoil your good time anyway, I’m such a dummy)

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the abused person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let that person know that you care and may even save a life.

Talk to the person in private and let them know that you’re concerned about their safety. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell them that when and if they want to talk about it, you’re there for them. Reassure them that you’ll keep whatever they tell you between the two of you, and let them know that you’ll help in any way you can.

Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. Abused and battered victims are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they have often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing. The best thing to tell them is that you are not judging, that abuse happens to so many, and that it is in ‘silence’ that it grows! One should never be ashamed of being in an abusive relationship no matter how long it has been going on, and that there is always hope for a safe, abuse free life.

Peter Davis

© Copyright, 2010 Main Street Magazine/Rain Enterprises

As seen in the April Issue of Main Street Magazine.

Printed in Canada, ISSN: 1920-4299 by Rain Enterprises

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